Dear Caller,

Thank you for your call to XYZ company, specializing in such-and-such service. We do sincerely appreciate your phone call and subsequent business, but I assure you that we are indeed here to assist you and not to be your whipping boy/girl. While your call is very important to us, we are not magicians nor do we have universal power over our company to give you whatever you want; we are just entry-level associates trying to make our way up the corporate ladder.

Yes, it is true that there are good days and bad days to call but remember that kindness goes a long way. Perhaps my bosses just dropped a huge project in my lap to multi-task while I assist you. Maybe the previous caller was a nightmare. It is possible that I am having a horrible day and want nothing more than to flee my cubicle. Your attitude and phone etiquette can turn my rain cloud into sunshine or darken the storm.

Rule #1: Do not assume I am stupid. I don’t care if you have x-amount of experience on the topic; if I need some sort of verification before I can give/sell you a product, just give it to me. Talking to my manager won’t make a difference because rules are rules.  She will just tell you the same thing. I will tirelessly explain to you why I need documentation, but your resistance is futile. Without those papers, you get nothing. Would you try to return a cubic zirconium necklace to Tiffany’s without a receipt and expect to walk out with $5,000.00 in hand? No ma’am.  Do not threaten me. Do not tell me that I must know nothing. Do not assume that I am a moron, because I am not. Don’t flaunt how many degrees you have and what you majored in. I have an M.A., bitch. Like I said, I am just putting in my time to climb to the top.

Rule #2: The customer is not always right. Well, sometimes. If you are going to make a purchase so big that my sales rep won’t have to sell another thing for the rest of the year? Then yes, you can do and have whatever you want.  If you are being nasty to me, your $35.00 sale is frankly a waste of my time.

Rule #3: If time management is not your forte, it is not my fault. I understand that your deadline is tomorrow and you need the products for 100 people. No, overnight shipping is not free. I’m sorry that product is out of stock. There were plenty of them 3 weeks ago. No, I cannot make a special exception for you; there are literally no more in the warehouse. Yes, your price quote will take at least 15 minutes. You needed the price quote yesterday and the products 5 minutes ago? Your boss is going to kill you if I don’t get these products to you tomorrow without charge? Sorry, Charlie. No suerte here.

Rule #4: Don’t threaten me. If you are screaming at me and say that other company wouldn’t do this and would do that, then call them instead. We aren’t them, and they aren’t us. It is a privilege for you to use these products because I can truly say they are the best. Go ahead and threaten to complain to my manager. I know I do everything by the book and will do everything in my power to accommodate you. Guess who else knows? Management. For more information, please see Rule #2.

Rule #5: Do not haggle prices with me. I am not selling used cars and there is no wiggle room. The prices are what they are and if I can give you any complimentary items, I will. It’s not like shopping at a flea market. If you walk away from the sale and expect me to call after you, caving in to your price, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. No, threats of going to another company, buying on the internet, or speaking to my manager won’t change a thing. For more information see all above rules.

Rule #6: Be nice. Kill me with kindness. For the most part, I love my job. I want to help you find something that fits your needs. I am passionate about the products and will put in the time to talk them over with you. I will give you details, opinions, prices, shipping times, and samples. I will laugh with you, express sympathy about your budget,   go out of my way for you, and thank you for your call.

While I work at a certain company selling specific products, this is applicable to most customer service situations. If you want quality service, be a model customer. This is not to suggest all customer service employees are superstars. There are always some rotten apples in the barrel, but I ask for your cooperation and patience to maintain a positive work environment. I absolutely love my job; don’t give me a reason to hate it.

Respectfully and with kind regards,

Your Customer Service Representative